Civil Civil Servant

Notes On The Dark Side: Illuminate the Shadows

November 6, 2009 by Ann Wilberton

Painting by Ann Wilberton

The painting above is called Devil Girl and started out as one in a series of paintings I did about my ex’s alter egos; but, the further I got into it I realized I was painting a self portrait: My own alter ego. I use this self portrait frequently as my online avatar. It is this association that confuses people. “But, you’re all about people being kind…I don’t get it.” That is a statement or some variation, that I have heard many times when people see Devil Girl.

From Buddha all the way up to and beyond the philosophy of Carl Jung, great thinkers have tackled the question of the human dark side. I’m not a big reader in the field of psychology; but, I believe Jung called it the “shadow side.” This is the side that gives us negative and sometimes disturbing or violent images/thoughts when we are angry/hurt. In the movie, Fried Green Tomatoes, there is a scene where Evelyn Couch, brilliantly played by Kathy Bates, has a parking spot stolen by two young, pretty and rude girls. She waits until they get out of the car and then rams their car with hers (several times). This is an example of when a thought and/or urge from Evelyn’s shadow side emerges and she allows it to take over. We cheered her on when she did this; but, obviously there are many dark thoughts that pass through our minds that we would NOT want to act on.

I used to not really believe that a dark side component existed in all of us. I thought that you could “better” yourself to a place where you were free from negative thinking. But, I met a Buddhist psychologist who explained different philosophies on our shadow side and I began to see that denying our dark sides is not really the way to go. I think it creates a tension where one does not need to belong. Plus, it is setting you up to feel failure because it is just impossible to erase all negative thoughts from our brains. She told me that by embracing our shadow side, examining it and coming to understand it, we will begin to be able to accept it and be in a better position to let it go instead of letting it cause suffering in our lives.

Instead of resisting these thoughts what if we acknowledged them: “Well, there is a negative thought.” Inspect it: “Where is it coming from? Why am I thinking it? What is it doing to me?” And let it go: “Okay. I had a negative thought. It doesn’t make me evil or a bad person. I’m moving on now.” You let the thought go and consciously move your mind away from it.

In my own experience, I have noticed that I hold onto the negative thinking for less time now. For example, instead of allowing myself to churn an angry thought over and over in my mind, fueling it, I acknowledge it (label it: angry thought) and then I can quickly figure out where it originated and what it’s doing to me (it doesn’t feel good that’s for sure) and let it go. In a past post I talked about road rage. I have a lot of angry, negative thoughts when people do stupid things on the highway. Labeling those thoughts and letting them go quicker and quicker will only benefit me physically and emotionally and benefit my customers who I’m about to spend the day helping.

The more practice you have doing this the more it will become automatic. I barely have to put effort into the labeling part anymore. As soon as I think pissed off thoughts, my brain is labeling: anger, anger, anger and I am already moving away from them. Acceptance that we have these thoughts also can free us from the shame or guilt over having them in the first place. It is a part of our human psyche to have these thoughts; but, we can cultivate practices that reduce the suffering to ourselves and the spreading of the negativity to others.

And for this blog, that is the important point of this post. If you suffer less, if you have less bitterness and anger (not because it doesn’t exist but because you let it go quicker), I guarantee that you will be happier, more light hearted and better able to help customers and interact with the people in your life in a kind and compassionate way.

Devil Girl is in me. If I ignore her, there is no telling what sort of trouble she’ll get into behind my back. If I acknowledge her and embrace her, I can soften the impact she has on my world.

Our happiness, our behaviors, our attitudes are all our responsibility.

I have a challenge for you. Commit, for one day, to keep track of negative thoughts that pop into your head and label them. You could do this in your head or even write them down on paper. Don’t judge yourself for the existence or intensity of the thoughts (even if it is a momentary desire to inflict pain on someone). Pretend you are completely removed and just taking inventory. What did you find out? What are you going to do about it?

Update 11/13: A Rabbi Harold Kushner quote has been brought to my attention. “Good people do bad things ….. If they weren’t mightily tempted by their yetzer ha’ra [will to do evil], they might not be capable of the mightily good things they do.” from Living a Life That Matters.

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Lynne Lavigne and the Great Leap

October 28, 2009 by Ann Wilberton

My friend and coworker, Lynne Lavigne passed away yesterday after a long battle with cancer.

She was so loved by her family, her church family and her library family. She touched so many lives. I only knew her briefly; but, I can tell you that she was everyone’s favorite. She had a very active and clever sense of humor. She was a great storyteller. And people were drawn to her. I loved sharing chocolate with her because she seemed to take great pleasure in it.

I did not get to know her for very long; but, I feel blessed to have known her at all.

There is a Buddhist funeral prayer that refers to death as The Great Leap. I like the idea of that. I like to think that Lynne has made a Great Leap and anyone who ever met her knows that she has been received into a loving and joyful place.

She will be greatly missed by many people. If you are inclined to send out a prayer for her family, it would be greatly appreciated.

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Road Rage is Not My Friend

October 16, 2009 by Ann Wilberton

Monday, after a week of relaxing vacation puttering around my house, spending time with friends and getting a few chores done, I hopped into my car ready to return to an exciting week of work. We were about to switch to a new online catalog this week and I anticipated a day of busyness as we readied for the big day.

I was driving on a main street, navigating my way towards the Garden State Parkway, when a Ford 250 Truck came barreling out of a side street as I came upon it. The man driving and I locked eyes as we both slammed on our brakes. I have to say I admire that Ford Truck because although he was going way too fast, it seemed like he stopped on a dime. We were both shocked and then I navigated around him and went on my way.

So many thoughts and emotions cycled through me from when I first became aware of the truck and as I pulled into the Library parking lot. Flash of adrenaline. Fear. Panic. Hope. Relief. Anger.

If you read my previous post of July 7th, you know that I’ve survived a spectacular crash a few years ago. Moments like Monday’s, honestly, freak me out a little. The rest of the way to work I seesawed between feeling shaky and feeling royally pissed.

Today, on my way to work, a man in a truck turned in front of me and the guy in the lane next to me. Neither one of us beeped or got angry…just slowed so he’d get by without us running into him. Then he gave us the finger. And that pissed me off. I mean, c’mon, you are cutting across two lanes of on coming traffic and you are flipping us off? What the hell did we do?

The common theme in both of these scenarios is that both men were on their cell phones. The other commonality is that I got angry.

There are times I make excuses for my anger or feel justified because let’s face it: some idiot on a cell phone almost killed me and although I survived, it has been a long, difficult emotional and physical recovery. But, I like to remind myself that anger is only prolonging the suffering from the accident. I don’t really want to waste time and energy on being angry and I think it’s bad for my health to have all that “mad juice” wandering about my body.

It got me thinking about many things. How many people start their day angry because of an encounter similar to the ones I described? How long does this anger last? How many people are affected by it? We can’t control people not being mindful and cautious drivers. I truly wish we could. It’s only going to get worse as more people fiddle with gadgets and computers when they should just be concentrating on the road. So, what can we do to quickly contain the anger and get rid of it before it harms us or we let it poison our interactions with others?

In her book, My Stroke of Insight, Jill Bolte Taylor tells us that physiologically reactions/feelings last for only 90 seconds, any that last longer than that are because we are stimulating the feeling by thinking about it over and over. If you have not seen her TED talk, you really should go watch it. We choose to keep the feeling going and we can choose to let it go. Now, we’ve all been pissed and know that is easier said than done sometimes.

So what do we do? How do week keep the anger from the jerk that cut us off on our way to work from poisoning the rest of our day and those we encounter?

I think undertaking a consistent meditation practice would help with this. I have been a non-consistent meditator for years now. You don’t have to be Buddhist to meditate. You don’t have to be interested in religion at all. There is much meditation instruction out there that is stress reduction related and not connected to spiritual practice.

Distraction. I find that turning the stereo up and forcing myself to sing along let’s me move beyond obsessing over another bad driver I’ve encountered.

I have done loving kindness meditation for the person who pissed me off. This is generally a good one. It triggers the compassionate part of my brain and I think of all the reasons the person might have been in a rush. I actually think I like this method the best. It leaves me feeling better and I just think it has lasting positive effects on me. Try this and please drive safely and mindfully!

If you get a look at the person, think of their face and replay the following in your head or even say it out loud.

May you be happy.

May you find peace.

May you arrive at your destination safely.

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Fall Challenge! Give Up Gossip!

September 24, 2009 by Ann Wilberton

There is an excellent, excellent post on Tricycle magazine’s blog right now called, “7 Tips for Giving Up Gossip.” I urge you to go check it out.

All of these tips are so awesome I could weep; but, instead I challenge you and even though I don’t get much commenting on this blog, I know you’re out there because WordPress keeps stats! So, dear readers, I challenge you to choose one or two of these tips and put them into practice this Fall and see what happens.

I am going to focus on the last one:

“7. Practice saying something kind to someone every day. Do this especially with people you don’t like. It gets easier with practice and bears surprisingly good results.”

I don’t dislike many people; but, I admit that there are some folks that I don’t particularly enjoy/like, whatever you want to call it and I tend to avoid them. I think this also lends itself to participating in conversations about these folks because I am disconnected from them. That is why I have chosen this one. I’m going to seek these folks out and try to say something kind probably not every day; but, several times a week and see what happens to my willingness to talk about them, even if I’m defending them which seems to happen a lot. It is like I’ve taken on the role of being the one to come up with scenarios and/or excuses for the way people act.

But really, I shouldn’t be discussing other people at all.

I’m going to try that for the next few months. Perhaps it will just become a habit or practice. That would be nice. And feel free to share which one you are going to tackle and why in the comments section!

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Simplicity in Action

September 22, 2009 by Ann Wilberton

If someone wants help finding articles on a topic and I help them, but make them feel bad about it, they won’t feel like they got help. It won’t matter if they leave with a stack of articles and an armload of books that are perfect for them. If I’m a jerk, that’s all they’ll remember. Kate Sheehan in the preceding post.

This is one of the points in my interview with Kate Sheehan that particularly struck me. It really is that simple. It works the opposite way too. If you’ve been nice and were helpful, even if you don’t have exactly what they need or the answer they were looking for, they still leave having a positive experience.

It’s not just important to appear helpful. It’s important to BE helpful. Sometimes, it’s easy to just say, “No, we don’t have it.” And be done. But, it is the next step that can win the hearts of customers. “No, we don’t have it; but, I can see if it is available through ILL.” or “No, we don’t have that particular item; but, could I suggest something else along similar lines?” This is the type of question that builds rapport because it takes the interaction from “do you have?” / “no we don’t” to a conversation and hopefully the patron leaves the library with something that interests them.

There is something about brief human interactions with strangers that is just an ingredient in the happiness soup and I don’t think it’s just me and my high level of social behavior. I think most people would enjoy a few sentences between themselves and the folks they interact with during the day. When I shop at Whole Foods, I always look for this one particular cashier because he will generally strike up a conversation about anything. Once, we had a quite lengthy discussion about kid’s breakfast cereals. And I loved that. It is less drudgery to spin through his aisle with my groceries, have a pleasant and brief chat and then head home. And I must admit that this adds to my Whole Foods loyalty. I am a frugal person; but, will spend a bit more for quality food and pleasant experience because it adds to my quality of life.

When I lived in the Twin Cities, I frequented two grocery stores: a co-op and a small independent, local chain called Kowalski’s. Both were pricier than the two big box grocers; but, I went to them partly for their product selection but mostly for the experience. If you’ve been reading my blog then you know about my big dramatic accident. While still in a wheelchair, I went to Kowalski’s and the front end manager came running up to me to chat with me about what happened. I did not know this person other than to exchange some pleasantries as she checked me out. Yet, here she was showing concern, letting me know that she cared and offering to help me if I needed it.

In Saint Paul, before I worked for the library system, I was a regular patron and the check out staff got to know me for my many holds and regular visits. My partner used to tease me that it was like Cheers because I would walk in and one of the clerks would catch me, “Ann, you have some holds!” Or they would ask me about something we had chatted about previously. “How’s the scarf coming along?” after I picked up a hold on knitting and exchanged project tales with one of the clerks. But, I liked that. I liked that I had a relationship with these folks and this little branch library.

It really does not take much to build this rapport: a few extra seconds or a couple of minutes. Sometimes I know we are rushed and crazy; but, slow down a wee bit, acknowledge the person, make sure you have HELPED them. It makes all the difference in the world.

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Kate Sheehan: Committed to Kindness

September 14, 2009 by Ann Wilberton

photographer: Wadem through Flickr Creative Commons

Last Spring I was fortunate enough to attend Computers In Libraries, which is a really great conference. After a full day of learning and feeling inspired by the workshops, I was waiting in my hotel room for my colleague. She came bursting in the room and said, “You are not going to believe what I just heard.” She rifled through her bag and pulled out her notebook. “I went to a talk about the Darien Public Library and one of the librarians quoted the Dalai Lama and said that” flipped the page in her notebook and read directly from her notes, “Our chief export is kindness.”

Well, my first thought was yay! I’m not alone. There is another librarian co-conspirator, kindness evangelist out there. I must meet her! Unfortunately, I did not get to meet the woman who said those words; but, I did track her down by email at the Darien Public Library in Darien, CT. She blogs at: Loose Cannon Librarian.

In the interest of not inconveniencing her too much; I asked her if she would generously answer a few questions for me that I could then share on Civil Civil Servant.

I have posted my questions and her responses below, only editing a typo or two and changing the original order.

At CIL2009 you made the comment that kindness is the chief
export of your library. You wrote about that comment on your blog.
Could you briefly summarize your view of how kindness fits into
libraries and why you believe it to be our chief export?

My dear friend is a med student (actually, she’s in an M.D./Ph.D program, so when she’s done, I get to call her “Dr. Dr.”) and I was visiting her when she was taking this class that was (to my untrained eye) the bedside manner class. I started calling it her “how to be a person” class. Med schools have figured out that bedside manner is important. Medical types even studied it: http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1659065,00.html Most of us aren’t doctors, and we don’t have the skills to judge our medical care on anything but our interactions with our doctors, so that’s how people decide if their doctor is “good” or not. A doctor can give an accurate medical explanation of something, but we can’t hear it if all we’re thinking about is how much of a jerk s/he’s being. We don’t have to worry about malpractice in our profession, but we should take note.

If someone wants help finding articles on a topic and I help them, but make them feel bad about it, they won’t feel like they got help. It won’t matter if they leave with a stack of articles and an armload of books that are perfect for them. If I’m a jerk, that’s all they’ll remember. If I’m nice to them and they feel like I’m on their side in tackling their problem, they’ll have good warm fuzzy feelings about the library and they’ll feel helped.

How do you cultivate kindness in the workplace, especially when
serving the public which can sometimes be stressful and with difficult
coworkers?

I think kindness is something we all need. Working with the public can be exhausting and we have to be kind to each other and ourselves. Front lines staff need back rooms where they can let off steam and management that understands that someone in the back grousing isn’t necessarily going to provide bad service when they get back in front of the public. Of course, there are nuances to all of this – chronic complainers can be poisonous to organizational culture, but even the most saintly among us are going to have days where they are “out of nice” and that’s okay.

Also, as everyone who works on the front lines know, there are always going to be upset patrons who can’t be placated, no matter how nice and accommodating we are and there are always going to be mismatches. That is, there will always be those people who don’t like your brand of kindness, no matter what. I’m not advocating smiles and hearts and teddy bears and a total disconnect from reality. Nor am I saying that kindness trumps good librarianship – you can’t be nice and give people bad information – or that we have to be doormats for abusive people. We have to be kind to each other and ourselves as a foundation for being kind to our patrons.

Have you had any negative reactions to your use of the word,
kindness?

Not to my face, but I’m sure it’s out there.

How do you approach resistance?

Resistance to kindness? I think most people aren’t going to come out against kindness, exactly. I’m sure there are people who think it’s too touchy feely and too soft and fuzzy to be taken seriously. It is touchy feely to talk about and focus on kindness. But I do think it’s a big part of being a service organization. People shop at stores with nice and helpful staff, they use companies where the employees are nice to them.

In your blog post, you mention kindness as a lifestyle…what is
the impact of that choice?

That’s an interesting question. There are a lot of studies about kindness and altruism having positive effects on us (I’d like to put in a plug for CogSciLibrarian – both the blog and on twitter for great links to fascinating research about what makes us tick).
Here are a couple of articles, but there are about a billion more out there:
http://uncnews.unc.edu/content/view/2688/71/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200607/pay-it-forward

I like to joke that everyone should have to work retail for a period of time because once you’ve done the job, you won’t be rude to store clerks ever again. It’s easier to be nice to people when we can imagine ourselves in their shoes. I’ve focused in on the word kindness because I think it helps to have a focal point, but I don’t want to be too glib. It’s easy to get into bumper sticker idealism and that’s not realistic. Everyone has bad days, everyone gets grouchy or feels put upon sometimes. But I think if we look past those moments with the people in our lives and make an effort to forgive ourselves and each other for our bad days, it really does result in more happiness for ourselves and better interactions with each other and our patrons.

Have you always been this way? What I mean is how did you
cultivate this belief system in yourself?

Both of my parents are social workers and a lot of their friends are in mental health as well. I grew up around a lot of people who help other people for a living. There’s a certain kind of gallows humor that goes with those fields, I think. But there’s also an intense interest in other people’s experiences. When we had people over for dinner, the entire conversation could be taken up talking about other people and how they operated in the world. People who work that closely with other people are so immersed in seeing things from everyone’s point of view. I think it could be seen as a weakness, that ability to see a situation from all sides and it can be almost paralyzing. To put it in a bumper sticker quote: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” (which I think gets attributed to Plato, but I’m not sure of the accuracy).

None of this is to say that I’m kind and understanding all the time, just that I try. I can see how important it is to be kind by my own bad days.

I knew I would love this post and I do. There are so many things that Kate shared that resonate with me which perhaps will be a post in itself in the next week or so. I can’t thank Kate enough for sharing her beliefs with us. On August 31st she published a post on her blog entitled Auditing Kindness. It is filled with some great ideas. I suggest you head over there and participate in the discussion she has started.

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Libraries Kick Ass!!

August 31, 2009 by Ann Wilberton

When I was a kid, in the summer, my sister and I would go to the library once a week and come home with stacks of books. My stack was eclectic: novels, almanacs, poetry, animal books, art books, whatever struck me that week. My sister’s stack generally consisted of books on fish, Jacque Cousteau, sharks, ocean life and sometimes Ripley’s Believe It or Not type books. We would drag a blanket out to the driveway and spread it out so half was in the shade ( for me) and half was in the sun (for my sister) and we would spend hours out there reading.

I grew up in a small suburban town and knew almost every book in there that remotely held my interest. By the time I was 13, I was working my way through the adult fiction section, pulling out each book to see if it was something I wanted to read. No one ever questioned my selections, not my librarian, not my parents. I was free to read what I chose. At some point in my teens, I stumbled upon Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden. It was shelved in the adult fiction section; but, was about teen girls, so I brought it home and read it. If you have never read Annie or just don’t know about it, I suspect that it was one of, if not the first YA novel dealing with a lesbian relationship that did not end badly or sadly.

That book was astounding to me. I knew what being gay meant. We all suspected my sister was gay. But, to have evidence that this might exist outside of my family and be okay was a comfort I could only guess that I needed. The library was my oasis from a group of friends that were more interested in drugs and having sex. It was a place I felt comfortable and confindent in. It was a place where I was free to be curious.

In the mid nineties, I was working at the Kansas City, Kansas Public Library and I got the opportunity to attend my first library conference, PLA in Portland. At one of the workshops, I sat down and turned to the woman next to me to introduce myself. She looked a bit familiar but I couldn’t place her until I looked down at her name tag. It was my childhood librarian from Denville, NJ. I couldn’t believe it. I excitedly introduced myself and gushed about how important the library was to me as a child and how fondly I remembered her. She didn’t seem fazed, though perhaps I made her feel a bit old! I felt so grateful that I had the opportunity to thank her. I didn’t even realize I wanted to thank her until I sat down next to her as a colleague 20 years later.

That little library on Diamond Spring Road no longer exists. They built a bigger one down the street; but, now that I’m a librarian myself, I frequently think about my experiences there and realize that I was given two gifts: my parents shared their love of reading with us and encouraged our curiosity and the library was the safe haven where I got to explore other worlds, where I began to dream about my future and where I read a book that planted a seed in me that I would need later when I began accepting that I am gay.

You have an opportunity to help a library continue to make that sort of impact on its residents. The Lousville Free Public Library in Lousville, Kentucky suffered greatly during a recent flood. They lost materials and equipment that their patrons need and count on (estimated at 5 million dollars!!!!) Please donate to the Lousville Free Public Library Foundation at this link. Your contribution will be greatly appreciated by the Lousville Free Public Library and by the residents of Lousville, KY.

To read more blog posts in this, Libraries Kick Ass!!, fundraising blogathon, visit this link.

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Blame-a-palooza: Why a Culture of Blame Will Kill Innovation and Scare Off Your Customers

August 27, 2009 by Ann Wilberton

My parents enjoying a much deserved vacation. Relevancy of this image at end of post!

Stuff happens. Customers leave angry or disappointed. Grant applications are denied. Events are poorly attended. Cataloging gets backlogged. Books wait to be shelved. Printers get jammed. Computers break down. Mistakes are made both by accident and by human failure. How do we deal with these moments?

In many ways, assigning blame is inevitable. It’s how much time and energy is spent blaming that is the key to whether you learn something valuable from failure or you miss an opportunity to become better at what you do.

If we are spending time talking about WHO is to blame, we aren’t asking ourselves the important questions like:

Why did this happen?

Was there a breakdown in communication? Are we using the wrong tools? Do we need to retrain staff, shift staff, cross train staff? There a million questions to be asking depending on the problem/error; but, if we are more concerned with placing blame, we won’t be asking the questions we need to ask.

Whenever we talk about blame, we must also talk about responsibility. It would be great if people took responsibility for their errors and we got down to the business of finding solutions to the problem. We could spend way too much time discussing the ramifications of dealing with folks who don’t take responsibility for their actions; but, the fact is whether they own up or not, the problem is still there waiting to be solved while we go off on tangents of laying blame and kvetching about who should take responsibility.

Ideally, we should be creating an atmosphere in our workplaces, where staff feel safe to make mistakes. This type of atmosphere encourages people to fess up when they’ve erred and the brainstorming for solutions can begin immediately. It also encourages creativity and willingness to share and try ideas. The best libraries are filled with staff that can think outside the box and are generous with a flow of ideas even when they know the investment is not if every idea is used but that they are contributing to a place where ideas are shared and batted around and none are considered crazy or stupid.

When in a situation where a problem is being discussed, whether you are regular staff or a member of management, when the discussion veers towards finding blame and away from solution finding, you can take steps to get the discussion back on track.

A simply stated, “I think it’s more important to figure out how to fix this than figure our whose fault it is.” Or, “I know we are all busy. I think our time would be better spent finding a solution to our problem.”

If you find yourself obsessing over who’s to blame, I suggest you think of the following:

Focus on the Customer: Ask yourself how best to serve your customer/patron. Ask yourself if you are contributing to the problem or helping solve the problem. Remind yourself that the ultimate goal is to be providing the best service. If you are doing something that takes away from that, you are not helping.
My sister and I had a “play room” that was actually a closet under the stairs. At one point, we had created a giant mess. When my mother found us, both sitting on the floor, stuff piled all around us, she said: I don’t care who did it; just clean it up. She took that attitude with most things and I think I’m a better person because of it. Feel free to use it as a workplace mantra: I don’t care who did it; let’s just clean it up.

** The above picture is of my parents on a beach in Delaware. I have learned much from them. I feel lucky to have landed in their family. There has not been a moment in my life when I did not feel loved and now that I’m a grownup I have come to appreciate my mother’s little wisdoms running through my head. “I don’t care who did it” was just one of many valuable life lessons I learned from them.

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Let’s Not Get Crazy: Controlling Anger

August 21, 2009 by Ann Wilberton

art: Tommy Pariah

We all get angry. For some folks, it takes more to get them angry than others. For some it’s like filling a bucket and when the bucket is full, it spills over. The one thing that seems to be true no matter the origin of the anger is that when it spills, it frequently gets people wet who had no part in filling up the bucket. This is why it’s important to bale out the bucket yourself, periodically. It’s our responsibility to manage our lives both at home and work in a way that allows us to interact with others in a kind and civilized manner.

I’ve been dealing with a bit of anger myself in the last week, all related to things happening in my nonwork life. This morning on my way to work I got irritated by the other drivers who were driving too slow, clogging up the lanes, taking unnecessary risk, whatever…they were just pissing me off.

I happened to have a copy of The Dhammapada in my backpack, which I pulled out and looked at when I got to my desk.

All that we are is a result of what we have thought.

There are other translations, one of which includes the following: with our thoughts we make the world. It is a lovely reminder that anger, irritation, impatience are all born of thought and I can rethink my way to a place that will help me give others I encounter in the world the kind of interaction that that is beneficial to us both.

I really want to make a positive impact in the world and I don’t mean doing things that get me on the cover of magazines. I mean the small everyday things that touch individual people, if only briefly. The ripple effect of that could be awesome. I remember in high school driver’s ed class we watched a movie about good driving habits and they show a person pulling out of their driveway and almost hitting another car in the street. It shows the other driver going off angrily and the domino effect of that anger. Then they rewind and show the same encounter with a more polite interaction and the ripple effect of that. I still remember that film and it has been years.

I know what helps me snap out of a bad mood or an angry rut: exercise, reading Buddhist teachings, having positive social interactions with others and sometimes forced cheerfulness will snap me out of it…before I realize it the cheerfulness is not being forced.

What are the things you need to do to avoid the moods that prevent you from interacting positively with coworkers and customers?

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Life in a Sitcom

August 11, 2009 by Ann Wilberton

I bought a condo, exactly one week ago. It’s always a little tricky dealing with mortgage brokers, lawyers, insurance agents, real estate agents. Buying a home is really a logistical obstacle course of multiple hoops to jump through. I’m not the greatest hoop jumper; but, I managed to pull it off and on time.

The fascinating thing about home buying, in relation to this blog, is the sheer amount of people you deal with who are providing you service at varying degrees of adequacy. My team did okay. There were a few times where I had to prod someone; but, heck, some of them had to prod me.

But, and there is always a but, at the closing, the buyers did not hand over keys because they had bought the unit at a foreclosure and claim that they never got any keys other than the unit key. The customer service problems began to mount from this moment on. I just bought a condo but did not have any keys to get into the building. The realtor said she’d talk to the management company. Two days passed and I had to access the building by calling ahead and having the realtor (who interestingly enough, lives in the building) or the super buzz me in. This is a supreme hassle, especially since my parents came down to help me paint and get the condo ready to move in and they were actually staying there overnight. It pretty much pissed me off and after two days and no key, I ran into our point person at the management company. I politely introduced myself and told him that I needed the keys. This man began an epic customer service fail that has yet to end. Here is how he has handled my request.

He abruptly told me, “I don’t have your keys” and to get the keys from my landlord. The realtor jumped in and said, “She owns.” She explained the whole foreclosure fiasco and how I basically received nothing at the closing.
He sighed and looked completely irritated.
He told me I had to pay 50 dollars for the missing keys. I told him that no where in my contract did it say I would need to pay for keys. He said, “You have to leave a key deposit.”
He finally told me that he would give the super the keys that day. He wrote down my name and phone number to put me into the security system so I could buzz people in. This took 3 1/2 days.
I asked about parking and he said he’d put me on the waiting list which he has yet to do.
I was still talking when he turned away to make a phone call unrelated to our conversation.
He did not make the keys like he said he would. So, I left a voice mail reminding him I needed the keys.
My father left a note on his office door.
I ran into him the next day and said, “Hey, I need the keys.” He acted like he had NO idea what I was talking about. I went through the whole story and he finally said, yeah…give me 20 minutes.
2 hours later, my father went to his office and demanded the keys. The keys were given to my dad.

That would be the end of it except I still do not have keys for the storage unit or my mailbox and believe me, I do not look forward to hounding this guy just so I can get my mail. And he misspelled my name on the directory even though I spelled it for him and watched him write it down.

This is the exact opposite of how this whole customer service interaction should have been handled. I plan on being active at condo board meetings and my first question just might be, “Why are we still using this management company when they basically suck at customer service?”

Where does such poor service come from? Boredom? He was on his cell phone every time I encountered him. Perhaps he doesn’t see his role as customer service. He definitely has the attitude that he is some sort of gatekeeper and we should be grateful that he does anything for us. He was so bad at giving me customer service that it was almost absurd and definitely fodder for a painful sitcom situation.

The good news is that the super is one of the nicest, coolest guys I’ve encountered. I ran into him outside one day and asked him how his day was going and he told me that he was having a good day and he was about to take “one of the old ladies” to the beauty parlor to get her hair done. Now that is my kind of sitcom. If you’re old enough to remember One Day At a Time, you’ll know what I mean.

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