Civil Civil Servant

Cultivating Compassion Takes Practice not Magic

November 2, 2010 by Ann Wilberton

I think there is a belief that a person is either “nice” or not. There is a belief that people don’t change.

This is not true. People do and can change. If you want to be a nicer, kinder, calmer person there are things you can do to cultivate that. Years ago, I met a man who told me that I was one thought away from changing my life and in some ways he was right. Maybe the thought is: it doesn’t have to be this way. Or maybe the thought is: I really hate when I get angry and say things I end up regretting.

Compassion requires the ability to let go of preconceived ideas and perceptions. It requires you to open your heart and to see another person’s suffering. You can cultivate compassion through a sustained effort, a practice of focus on other and a practice of seeing other as you.

Ode Magazine in 2007 published an article on cultivating compassion that included the following exercise:

Practising compassion

Compassion can be practised anywhere: at airports, on beaches or in shops, whenever we are together with other people. Try this five-step exercise around friends and strangers. Do it discreetly and try to do all the steps with the same person.

With your attention geared to the other person, tell yourself:

Step 1: “Just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his/her life.”

Step 2: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”

Step 3: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”

Step 4: “Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”

Step 5: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”

I really love the simplicity of this exercise. I think it an excellent practice to begin cultivating compassion. You can use it with strangers and you can use it with coworkers who are toxic and with family members who are annoying. In my previous post, I called for some compassion for the two college students who bullied Tyler Clementi. Let’s try using Mr. Ravi in our exercise:

Just like me, Dharun Ravi is seeking happiness in his life.

Just like me, Dharun Ravi is trying to avoid suffering in his life.

Just like me, Dharun Ravi has known sadness, loneliness and despair.

Just like me, Dharun Ravi is seeking to fill his needs.

Just like me, Dharun Ravi is learning about life.

I think the last one particularly resonates with me in this case. I think that he is learning very hard lessons about life right now.

There is no magic in developing compassion. There are no secrets, no special skills, no barriers outside your control. All that you need to develop compassion is within you. Start your practice today. The pay off is enormous, as described in this well known quote of the Dalai Lama:

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

Posted in compassion, Happiness | 3 Comments »

Tyler Clementi and the Seduction of Revenge

November 2, 2010 by Ann Wilberton

The media is rabid over the death of Tyler Clementi. I have a self imposed limit on news filtering into my life and even I have been bombarded with headlines, chats between DJs on the rock station and my Facebook News Feed has been a steady stream of “It Get’s Better” videos and links to various newspaper articles on the events leading up to Tyler’s suicide.

The two Rutgers students who are being charged with invasion of privacy, Dharun Ravi and Molly Wei have been vilified as gay bashers who should be additionally charged with hate crimes and/or manslaughter and defended with the argument that they were just being typical kids.

We’ll never really know what motivated these young people to secretly tape another student in the privacy of his own room and stream it to the Internet. They have been quieted by lawyers and fear for their futures and fear for their own safety in the aftermath of these events. The media has turned it into theater and aren’t really interested in a quiet analyses of how we got here.

I won’t pretend to know what led these kids to do something so hurtful and stupid; but, I’m going to propose something radical. Let’s stop yelling for one moment and consider treating Ms. Wei and Mr. Ravi with a bit of compassion.

But, we want revenge. We want revenge because then Ms. Wei and Mr. Ravi become other. They are now steps removed from us because the higher the punishment the less they are us. We want revenge because we’ve all been bullied in our lives by someone and somebody should pay. We want revenge because some of us are gay and we’re sick of being targeted and picked on and we’re sick of being fearful.

Revenge is not the answer. Compassion is. I do not think ruining these two people’s lives is the answer. I don’t think a sustained effort of harassment and shame and threats is the answer.

I think bullying is a complex problem that can’t be dissected in one blog post or even in the mainstream media.

It does bring up a topic I think about a lot, which is, where is the kindness? Where is the empathy? Instead of putting all of our energies into anti-bullying laws (which 45 states have done) we should be developing a plan to cultivate compassion and empathy into children asap and this training should be long and sustained. Empathy can be learned. Compassion can be cultivated.

And we have to turn the focus on ourselves. Here in the United States we have a bully culture. That’s why the greatest reality television heroes are the bullies. Does anyone even remember the names of the people that win? No. We love the bullies. We are bombarded with images and plots where the bullies win and we have little tolerance for the weak. We love Simon Cowell and his snarky commentary. We love Jerry Springer and Jersey Shore.

If these kids had stopped for one second and thought about how THEY would feel if this were done to them, they wouldn’t have done it.

And here we have it, the Golden Rule, a rule that is upheld in almost every religion that I know of and is a common lesson taught in secular society. Treat people the way you wish to be treated. Most of us abandon it in the heat of the moment or when we feel we’ve been wronged or when we’re over-tired, stressed, hurt, immature or a host of other reasons.

If you had done something stupid and cruel when you were 18 or 25 or even yesterday, how would you wish to be treated?

Ultimately, we are responsible for our own mark on the world. I know people who are vigilant about packing out the minutest piece of trash from the wilderness; but, think nothing of being rude or careless with their words and behaviors in their interactions with other humans. It is a different kind of pollution they are leaving behind.

We are not that far removed from Ms. Wei and Mr. Ravi. Now is not the time for revenge. Now is the time for reflection and action that builds a sustainable culture of compassion.

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Simple Steps to Happy

September 17, 2010 by Ann Wilberton

Kate in the garden where she found "flow."

I’ve recently read two articles, one at Lifehacker, Three Steps to Happiness and one in Bicycling magazine, Happily Evie After.

The Three Steps described by Lifehacker and attributed to Joe Gebbia are as follows:

Step 1: Identify one thing you do that makes you unhappy. Write it down.

Step 2: Look at what you wrote down. Replace it with something that makes you happy.

Step 3: Repeat one week from now.

That is super simplistic and actually inspired some comments from people complaining about not having enough money, hating a job but needing it for money and a variety of other snarky posts some just jokey and some clearly offended by the idea that being happy is simple.

I find it curious that many people get angry when encountering an article or a radio or television show that suggest that finding happiness is not as hard as one might think. Angry. Defensive. People attach their happiness to goals like buying a house, having kids, making X number of dollars. I think I can safely say reaching these goals do not necessarily make you happy. If your pipes burst an hour after your closing, are you still happy? All of the defensive answers are obstacles.

I really think that happiness is a place and once you’re there you do the things necessary to return again and again. You can’t possibly be happy every moment of your life. Sad things happen, stressful things happen and sometimes life brings patches of boredom that result in unhappiness. I think we find happiness in experience not things.

My ex, Kate, would frequently, on a nice day, head outside to “weed a little” or “pick up sticks from the yard” and she’d disappear for hours. Of course, I wouldn’t notice because I’d would be making art or reading or do something that I enjoyed. When I got hungry or otherwise distracted from my activity, I’d go to the backyard and check on her and sure enough she’d be out there sitting in the sun, weeding or pulling up more grass to make the garden bigger. She was completely unaware of how much time had passed. Mihaly Csikszentmihalvi called it flow in his book, Flow: the Psychology of Optimal Experience. She was happy.

We used to joke that I had the patience of a Saint because we couldn’t ever leave the house without her noticing something in the yard that needed adjusting, or the birdbath needing water or a variety of other little “this will just take a minute” chores. These things made her happy and I quickly learned not to rush her and to just let her be. I actually found joy in her joy. I loved watching her race around the side of the house to get a bucket of water for the birdbath or pick up sticks on the way to the car. Since we split, I have found myself drawn to people who are putterers and that has taught me something about myself. It might be odd; but, I have discovered that I enjoy watching a person I care about, putter around, attending to things. I think I must be charmed with the way her brain works.

When you find something that brings you flow it will not be a thing or a person; it will be you doing; you experiencing. You are active in this, even if you are not moving a muscle and listening to piece of music that brings you to that place. You are active: listening, feeling, experiencing. This is what brings us happiness. I know some grandparents who find this place watching their grandkids play. Maybe it’s woodworking or knitting or walking, rowing, surfing or maybe it’s just doing the dishes. I have found flow in a sink full of dishes. Maybe it’s playing an instrument, organizing your closet, painting a fence, meditating, making love, watching people walk past, or mowing the lawn.

In the Bicycling magazine article, this idea is supported in the story of Evie Stevens, a once slick Wall Streeter whose encounter with a bicycle changed her life in ways that no one could have imagined or scripted, even Hollywood. On a vacation visiting her sister, an avid cyclist, she found joy on a bicycle riding up steep hills and despite never having ridden a bicycle even half seriously, she kept up. When she returned home, she bought a bike knowing nothing about bikes, and started riding when she could. She entered a race, then two and training in her living room while watching television and she started to post times that seemed unbelievable, especially when you consider that she was riding an entry level bicycle and had only been riding a few months. A normal person would be content with that life: making money on Wall Street and being a weekend warrior at races. That’s a nice life right? That’s having a career and enjoying a hobby, finding balance between personal and professional. Except, Evie really, really, really liked, no loved, riding that bike. So, she quit her job on Wall Street and is now a pro racer.

I know. I know. We can’t all be pro racers or authors or professional gardeners or knitters or whatever brings you flow. But, we can make those things a priority in life. When was the last time you did something that brought you to that place: in the zone, unaware of time passing, completely and happily immersed in DOING something?

One of the things that brought me a tremendous amount of joy was riding my scooter. I used to joke, though it was true, that all I had to do was sit on my scooter and I felt happier. I loved my scooter; but, I could have been on any crappy scooter and been happy riding. Pure joy. I can’t do that now and I take seriously the responsibility for finding other avenues to the place my scooter took me. I haven’t quite found it yet; but, I have enjoyed the experimenting!

In two minutes, I’m going to do something that brings me some happiness: I’m going to walk down to the beach and do a circuit I like to do. This time I think on the way back, I’ll stop, get a coffee and watch the surfers. Who knows when I’ll get home.

Go DO something that makes you happy and if your not sure what that is, start experimenting today.

Posted in Happiness, Health | 2 Comments »

Score: You Lose. I Lose.

August 1, 2010 by Ann Wilberton

In my many jobs over the years in various industries I have encountered a person who I call, The Scorekeeper, in almost every single place. The Scorekeeper spends untold amounts of energy keeping track of what others are doing. I’ve seen scorekeepers keep track of other people’s sick days, how many hours other people were stationed on cash registers, reference desks and other service desks. I’ve seen Scorekeepers who track how many hours other people spend in committee meetings, how much money they get to spend from acquisition budgets and how many times another person came in late, took breaks, took personal phone calls and a whole host of things that are really not their business. I’ve even seen one scorekeeper keep track of how many treats other people took from a shared plate of brownies, cookies, bars, etc.

In personal relationships, I’ve had conversations with friends/family where they have told me about “injustices” they have encountered while keeping score on household chores, budgets, sick days, hours spent at work, time spent with children and even details of their relationships with intimate partners.

I’m am going to make a proclamation that is wholly unproven; but, substantiated by a mountain of anecdotal evidence.

Keeping score creates suffering and no one ever wins.

I know. It may seem unfair if you are the one that ALWAYS gets up early to take the dog for a walk or at work, it may seem unfair that you have more responsibilities for the same pay as a coworker. In the for profit sector , you could just go in to your boss’s office and ask for more money. In the public sector, with unions and civil service rules, this is just not possible. So, what do you do? Stop keeping score. Just stop.

I’m not talking about big injustices such as discrimination or illegal activity. I’m talking about the little things that seem unfair and could drive you crazy if you let them.

I have found that where there is in imbalance not in my favor, there is frequently another imbalance that is in my favor. In the 19 years, I was with my ex, I can honestly admit I doubt I did laundry (by myself) more than two dozen times. That is a lot of laundry. On the other hand, I doubt my ex made dinner for us more than six times a year, if that. Early in our relationship, we quickly learned that keeping score benefits no one and only becomes fuel for arguments over stupid things.

The same can be true in the workplace. The Scorekeeper in a workplace is NEVER happy. Oh, I’m sure there are moments of happiness when they think they’ve won in some way; but, I’m going to guess that it doesn’t happen very frequently. In most places I’ve worked, The Scorekeeper is the least happy person. I don’t think this is a surprise. How could they be happy? They are constantly monitoring and measuring everything around them instead of focusing on what they can control: their own tasks and goals.

If you are a scorekeeper, I think there are a couple of things you can do to start giving up that role.

Remove the following words from your vocabulary: ”always” and “never”

If you find yourself thinking “she always….” stop yourself. If it’s a thought related to work, ask yourself this: what can I do today (at work) to have a good day? It might be that you need to feel a sense of accomplishment. It might be that you need to get out of the building at lunch and take a walk. Think about the things you can do to stop worrying about what your coworkers are doing and just focus on YOUR workday. I find that list making can help. Make a list of the things at work that are important to you. It could look like this:

1. finish next week’s schedule

2. check with Jane about software issues

3. schedule community room for computer class

4. contact potential volunteers

5. ask Sally how her dad is doing

If you find your mind noticing that a coworker only has one hour on the reference desk and you have 3, tell yourself: this is not my concern. That is outside my control. I only need to be concerned with my own job duties and the things within my control. And then think about those duties. Think about how you are going to use your time at the reference desk. Distract yourself from the score. Remind yourself of how the flexibility in your workplace allows you the freedom to enjoy your work. You will naturally gravitate towards the parts of your job you enjoy and gladly take on a bigger burden for those tasks. I would much rather help people with computer problems than talk with people doing genealogies or researching local history. So, I handle more of those questions and I get to pass on the history questions to a colleague that enjoys those. If we were keeping score this would not happen.

Scorekeeping in the workplace generally makes administrators/managers tighten their enforcement of rules and policies. Life is not black and white. It just isn’t. There is grey in-between and sometimes grey creates judgement calls. These sorts of tightening usually result in lose/lose/lose. The original complainer loses. Their coworker loses. And management loses too because now they have to be rigid and that only ticks people off.

When I was little and my sister and I had scrapes we would, of course, mess with the scabs that formed and my mother would say: if you keeping picking at that, you’re going to make it bleed.

That’s what scorekeeping is: picking at something until it bleeds.

I guarantee that you will enjoy work more and be happier in general if you make a commitment to stop keeping score at work and in your personal life.

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

I’d rather be….

July 13, 2010 by Ann Wilberton

In the morning, on the way to my car, I pass another car owned by someone in my building. It has a bumper sticker on it that says: I’d rather be in New York. There are actually two people in my building who have “I’d rather be…” stickers. When I see them, I automatically think: then go be in New York or Maine or fishing or wherever you’d rather be doing what you’d rather be doing.

Take the steps necessary to reduce this longing to be living another life. People feel trapped by decisions they have made. Maybe the decision is to live in Asbury Park instead of New York City because it’s cheaper or closer to family or closer to a chosen job. Living your life with this underlying “wanting” is keeping you from being fully present in the life you are actually living. Embrace the decisions you’ve made.

I know this seems like a simplistic answer to a complex problem; but, if you aren’t taking steps now, today, to create the kind of life you want, you will probably never realize that life. My ex and I had the goal of creating careers and designing a lifestyle that was only dependent on one full time salary or two part time salaries. We knew that this would provide us a freedom to leave jobs we didn’t love or explore new adventures either together or separately. When one of us was working hard while the other was in grad school, I don’t think we ever thought: I’d rather be….because we were working towards a goal, together and that was where I wanted to be at that moment: working towards that common goal.

My parents are in talks with each other about their expectations regarding my father’s retirement. My mother retired a couple of years ago. There are so many things to take into account: the age and size of their home which affects the upkeep needed, my father’s mother and their proximity to her and the work that needs to be done in order to put their house on the market if they decide to move. My parents don’t want to go through a lifetime of accumulated stuff and figure out what to do with it; but, they understand it is part of the process to reach the end goal and so, in a weird way, cleaning the attic and basement is exactly where they want to be: taking steps towards their future.

Life presents us with a million moments where we make decisions about how, where and with whom we live. You may feel trapped by debt, an ailing parent, children still in school or a secure job in a recession; but, you are truly exactly where you decided to be. Look around, focus on the good, positive things and if you have to, ban the phrase “I’d rather” from your vocabulary for awhile.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Your Heart. Your House.

May 20, 2010 by Ann Wilberton

I watched Meditate and Destroy this week. It is a documentary about Noah Levine and his Dharma Punx movement. He is the child of prominent Buddhist teacher Stephen Levine. Noah, a self described punker and heavily tattooed former drug addict is now a well known teacher in his own right. He is frequently cited for connecting and speaking to people that traditional, Western Buddhist teachers and organizations have failed to reach. The movie itself was not that enlightening. I have read Noah’s memoir and knew much of his story; but, somewhere in the course of the movie I heard the following (or some variation…you know how memory is sometimes tricky):

You can invite someone into your heart and not into your house.

This is something that is essential to learn and grasp completely. You can open your heart to someone without opening your house to them.

You can open your heart and treat them with kindness and compassion without allowing them to have a position of influence in your life. This concept is one that is frequently misunderstood. I’ve briefly touched on this discussion before. Many people mistake having compassion for someone as a weakness, especially if that person has a negative history with you. I have a Buddhist friend that comes from a difficult childhood. In adulthood, she has created many boundaries of just how much certain family members are invited into her life. She has very clear boundaries about how much contact and what type of contact there will be. This does not mean she does not treat these family members with kindness. This does not mean that she does not hold compassion in her heart for them. It does, however, mean that she sees and knows what she needs to maintain a balanced and happy life and reduce the suffering that can be caused when her house has an open door to these folks.

She does not judge them or criticize them. She accepts them as they are and with that acceptance come limits as to how much access they have in her life.

I think what she is doing is difficult. Everything in our society is pointing her to either have them in her life running willy nilly or to cut them off completely.

We can carry this lesson into our work lives. Let’s face it. Sometimes, we work with toxic people. I have worked with and for people who yelled, threw things, looked the other way when really horrible things were happening, polluted the work environment with their constant stream of negativity and I have worked with bullies. I think the negative folks and the bullies are the most damaging and dangerous to work culture. Every place I have worked had at least one negative person who spent a good portion of the day complaining about something. I find these folks extremely damaging to morale and general work atmosphere and I think they should be stopped and if that is not possible, they should be highly discouraged.

The funny thing about complainers is if no one listens to them spewing their negativity, they spew less and less. I have seen this happen. They need an audience; but, we don’t have to give them one. The first time I boldly told a person that I didn’t want to participate in a conversation, my hands were shaking. It is hard, especially because most of us like to avoid confrontation.

By letting these people go on and on unchecked, we are letting them into our houses. We do not need to do this. You can be kind and compassionate and still limit the contact you have with certain people at work. You can be kind and compassionate and still confront the person if they start a conversation that makes you uncomfortable. In fact, confronting them quietly and calmly is far kinder then just ignoring them, avoiding them or letting them go on and on.

I know it’s difficult. I still find it difficult. Use phrases that are very clear and finite: I can’t participate in this conversation. I feel uncomfortable talking about a coworker behind their back. I’d rather not have this discussion. I don’t want to hear this (said when I had to share an office with several people and two coworkers were bad mouthing our boss).

We can’t bar toxic coworkers at the door; but, we can set clear limits of how they can interact with us. We can be kind and compassionate and still not invite them into our house.

Posted in kindness | 3 Comments »

Turn It Upside Down: Baltimore’s Virtual Supermarket Project

May 12, 2010 by Ann Wilberton

Baltimore, MD

When I was a kid, I remember a lesson in school where we were taught about optical illusions. Pictures that at first appear to be one thing; but, when you look deeper are also something else. The old lady / young woman drawing is probably one of the most commonly viewed.

I was awed by that lesson. I suspect that it, although such a small lesson, helped nourish a seed in me to always be looking for hidden depths, alternative views and just different ways of seeing something. It helped me know that sometimes what we are seeing is not the only way to see something.

There is such value in looking at the world this way. It opens your heart and it fosters good ideas.

I ran across a story about a program to bring groceries to people who live in areas of Baltimore that are not served by a grocery store. The Health Department and the Enoch Pratt Free Library have teamed up to help residents gain access to affordable, healthier groceries. They are using the library as a place where people can order the groceries online and then the next day they return to pick up their groceries. Health Department workers are on hand to help residents navigate the grocery store’s website.

This is brilliant. It is such a ridiculously awesome idea for so many reasons. On the library side of things, it reinforces the library as community center. It gets people to the library that might not have been familiar with all the library’s resources and services. It also reinforces the relationship between the library and the folks it serves. The program gets the library in the news in a positive way. And it’s just a feel good story all the way around. On the community side people who live in these grocery deserts now have options beyond the mini mart and corner store. The folks using the program will have access to healthier, less expensive food and won’t have to pay delivery costs.

Baltimore had a problem: areas of the city where the residents did not have access to regular groceries stores, which basically means they didn’t have access to good, fresh, healthy food.

Someone or a group of someones turned that problem upside down and inside out, looking at all the ways the problem could be solved. I’ve lived in cities where access to grocery stores was limited (Kansas City, KS and Pittsburgh) and most of the problem solving efforts were focused on trying to get someone to open a store in the neighborhoods lacking grocery stores. This, of course, is a good idea and solves the problem; but, in the couple years I spent in each place they were unsuccessful in accomplishing that goal. I’m sure Baltimore is also trying to get someone to open a grocery store in these areas.

But they didn’t stop there. That is a long range goal. It could take years and years to accomplish that goal; but, the people need to eat now.

I’ve always been a fan of turning a problem over and over and all around to see it from every angle and every side and think out every solution, even the absurd ones because maybe they aren’t THAT absurd.

The phone’s have been ringing off the hook from other cities that are thinking about copying the idea.

I applaud the thinking outside the box and the teamwork involved to get this program up and running. Kudos to you Baltimore.

Posted in customer service, Health, Leadership | 1 Comment »

Recital Nice

May 2, 2010 by jenneferh

Lauren listens good naturedly through my pointers during a non-recital related jam session.

A few weeks ago, I went to my niece’s violin recital. Lauren is a willowy mellow musical 17, but her teacher takes students from ages 5 on up, so the program would feature many skill levels. Our family arrived early and so we spent quite a few minutes waiting for it to start.

I looked around and eavesdropped (I’m an introvert and eavesdropping is the carrot that brings me out in public). No matter what they were talking about, people were looking to the door where the performers would come out to the stage.

Finally the door opened and the audience drew in a collective, calming breath. The first student was a little girl. She carried her half-size violin (Ever seen one? Cute as a kitten) awkwardly. Little coos, sounds you make to a kitten, came from all over the audience. Either her family had planted itself apart for some reason or many people were charmed by her.

The teacher, who hadn’t looked like King Kong until that moment, took the half-size violin and put it on her shoulder to check the tuning. People checked their programs, whispered, pointed and I was enveloped in a cloud of positive anticipation.

Of course she played Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Of course she did. Of course it was squeaky and somewhat scratchy. Then she burst into a huge grin. And I knew with absolute certainty who her people were, and not just because of the familial eyebrows.

But we were all her fans. Her family clapped the loudest, but we all clapped hard. And the cloud was now one of positive relief. She had done it. And think of how much we, the audience, helped. I wasn’t just being polite, clapping for this little girl, hoping her family would clap at least as hard for my niece. No, I was Recital Nice.

I assumed the best intentions of each violinist. They weren’t going to step out on stage and try to sound terrible. They may have flowed to this evening on various currents of willingness, but now that they were here in front of me, I could help them and I hope I did.

I wish I could be recital nice without thinking about it. I wish I could always, on the most basic level, assume best intentions. We are all here, jostling into each other on the planet. But too often, I’m just in my bubble, worrying about if I have the right change for the bus or remembered my lunch.

When I get to work and the phone rings, am I automatically ready to help whoever is on the line? Am I willing to assume their best intentions? Do I assume my own best intentions? I will try. The next time I know I’m losing perspective. I will close my eyes and conjure up Twinkle Twinkle Little Star played very badly and very sincerely.

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Love, Courage, and the Eye Roll

April 16, 2010 by Ann Wilberton

I had a conversation recently that disturbed me. It reminded me that many people think striving to be kind and compassionate is a weakness. That people who devote energy into spreading a little love and joy into the world are somehow simplistic and/or suspicious even. But, I have always been a believer that it is far more courageous to express love and far more courageous to show empathy and compassion.

Expressing love, affection, kindness and sometimes even compassion can make you feel vulnerable. I think it’s a weird power thing. If you tell a friend that you love them, it opens you up for rejection or slight. You are putting yourself out there, hanging without a net beneath you.

If you think of sharing feelings as a gift, it becomes much easier. It’s not about you really. It’s about having this love to GIVE to someone.

Showing compassion, especially to a difficult person, is also perceived as weakness, as if you were a sap….or letting someone get away with something. I don’t agree with this. I think you can have and show compassion for someone without letting that person hurt you further or take advantage of you in some way.

There is a rawness and a bareness to speaking aloud the words that express your emotions. Generally this is not something done in the workplace! But, when you take these sorts of risks in your personal life, it only helps to make you a more grounded, honest and expressive person at work.

I can actually remember deciding, in my twenties, to give more compliments. I don’t even remember why I thought this would be a good idea. I just decided to do it. I started complimenting people at work and in my life. I began thanking people more and it made them a pinch more happy and it made me happy too. I think this is also part of a weird power struggle for people. I suspect people think things like: if I give them a compliment they’ll have one up on me. I have also encountered people so unused to getting compliments that they get embarrassed by them.

What harm does it do to let someone know you are grateful for their efforts or you just enjoy their presence in your life? Who wouldn’t want to hear that? It can be scary to share your feelings; but, really, when it gets down to it, what is the worst that can happen? What is the worst? Rejection? That is a possibility; but, you’ll never know if you don’t take risks.

I’ve been thinking and thinking on this conversation that disturbed me and I’ve written a few posts about it which I then erased before publishing. Perhaps the conversation has knocked me off my game a bit; but, I want to leave you with some wisdom that I like to use to remind myself I’m on the right track.

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more.

—-Erica Jong

Compassion is the radicalism of our time. —–14th Dalai Lama

Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. The third is to be kind. —-Henry James

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Friendship and Love

March 2, 2010 by Ann Wilberton

I’ve been thinking about friendship, a lot. This photo was taken yesterday in Brooklyn. That is me and my dear friend, Grace. I was in Brooklyn to have lunch with her and say goodbye, because she and her family are moving back to Wisconsin. I have mixed emotions about this. I am happy for her because it will be easier and she will have more time to spend with her husband and child and more time for making art, which is very important to her. But, I’m sad because she will be far away and I have enjoyed being close to her again.

We met in Minneapolis and I can never remember the year because it really just doesn’t matter what year it was. We both participated in a summer art institute at the art college. I remember when I first saw her on that first day and I thought to myself: she is going to be my friend. I have those weird intuitive thoughts rarely; but, tend to believe them when they do come. At the end of the institute, I made some goofy overture that probably sounded incredibly awkward. Something along the lines of: I like you and I’m wondering if you’d be interested in pursuing a friendship with me. Needless to say, she saw something in me other than my lack of suave.

I left Minneapolis in 2006 and moved to Portland, OR to finish recovering from my accident and that must have been hard for her. She had a toddler at home and was navigating those first years of “new mom.” I should ask her about it. I was still not quite myself then and I really don’t even remember our conversations about my leaving. While I was in Portland, she and her family moved to Brooklyn, which made it immensely easier for me to move to NJ, a short train ride away. And I know we both have enjoyed being close again. I was here to be supportive as she grieved the death of her mom and she helped me through my initial loneliness after coming here. Sometimes, we went long periods without actually seeing each other; but, just knowing I could hop in my car and be at her house in an hour was so comforting.

It’s an odd time in my life: I recently lost my grandfather and have been worrying about my grandmother, alone for the first time in 68 years; my best friend is going to be far from me now and something extraordinary is happening: I’m falling in love and she is such a wonderful surprise in my life. I know that Grace feels sad about leaving; but, I think it’s easier knowing she is leaving me in good hands and she has gotten to see the happiness settle back into my life as I have created a home for myself after drifting for a few years. I’m always surprised by how life works: the ebb and flow. In one day, I get to feel the sadness of loss and the beginnings of love. And it makes me want to go out on my balcony and shout: I love this life and all it’s crazy wonder.

Why am I talking about friendship and love on a library blog?

As we all know, it’s tax season again and in the public library world that means a test of our ability to remain patient and compassionate. It has been difficult and my coworker and I try to remind each other of our good fortune in life and how a little extra compassion and patience is really within our capacities and we should offer nothing less. We remind each other how lucky we are to have love in our lives and for me, friendship is such a huge building block of that. Whether Grace is in Wisconsin or Brooklyn, I am lucky to have her in my life. She laughs at my jokes, gives me honest critiques when I ask and when I need it, she reminds me of my goodness and the beautiful life I am capable of creating and maintaining.

It is hard to move to a new place, alone. You have to start from scratch building a network of friends and acquaintances, people that make you laugh, drink coffee with you, invite you to a movie and who will give you the opportunity to help them if they need it. I am in the middle of that now. I’ve been here for a year and a half and I’m slowly inviting people into my life. Friendship is vital to my wellness.

How do we do our jobs well if we are lonely? How do we muster up the extra patience needed at tax time, if we don’t have a support network in place? How do we exercise compassion for difficult patrons and coworkers if we don’t have an opportunity to spend time with people who hug us and love us just the way we are?

On this day, let’s be grateful for the extraordinary and lovely people in our lives and acknowledge how much richer we are for their presence.

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